Lately, I have been living through a sort of dark and cloudy existence. From one day to the next, it’s a blurry and chaotic mess. This time last year, I was starting a new life with the most amazing soul that I have ever known. This time last year, there were no dark clouds, and I was filled and surrounded with light.
I realize that this person entered my life at a time where I was completely happy with myself, in love with who I was becoming and where I was going. By being me, through meditation and self reflection, I attracted the woman of my dreams, the woman from my past lives, into my now living and waking life. She called on me, and I only heard her and called back because I was being the real me. This wonderful soul saw my light and added to it by shining her own. She shined with me, we shined together, but we never stole each other's lights, we only added. I started in that love with pure giving. I had no expectation of her, nothing was necessary, only that I give and continue loving myself and sharing and giving my love to her and with her. We flourished, we grew, love and happiness surrounded our beings and everyone that came into contact with us joined our bliss.
I use to read a lot about relationships and I use to give others advice on relationships. So many around me seemed lost in their own relationships, lost and unhappy. They were all looking for happiness in someone else, looking to fill a void with the presence and love of another person. I could clearly see the mistake in this behavior.
I witnessed the destruction of so many relationships because of that behavior. I was aware of the fact and the importance of being happy alone before being able to be happy in a relationship. I was aware and conscious that going into a relationship expecting to get something was a recipe for disaster. I was aware that you need to go into a relationship wanting only to give with no expectations.
With that said, just because I was aware, it did not mean that I knew how to put that information into practice. I was aware of how to create a genuine, loving, long lasting, REAL relationship, but I never actually had the experience since I never put this awareness to the test. Well, I can tell you that knowing these things and actually living by them are two very different things.
Long story short, I got sucked into the regular, typical, egotistical way of looking at a relationship once I actually decided to give my 100% to this wonderful soul who I now have the honor of calling my wife. I got sucked into my own delusions, my own insecurities, my fears, my selfishness. My mind took over without giving any way for my awareness to shine.
My awareness of what a real relationship consisted of got thrown out the window and buried under tons of egotistical dirt. There were many moments throughout where my awareness peaked through, gasping for air, and she noticed it. She pleaded with me to meditate again, to go back to myself, to pay attention to my self again, so that this awareness could dig itself out of the dirt and grime that it had gotten buried under.
I did not listen. I knew something was wrong, something was off, but I blamed our environment, I blamed the stresses and pressures of life, I blamed my past, I blamed my conditioning, I even got to the point where I was blaming my own mother...wherever I could point my finger I would, but I never thought to turn that finger on to me. I never actually took responsibility. Through all this, she stayed by my side, waiting patiently for me to rise again. She lashed out a few times, begging for me to wake up, to rise up, to go back to the man I used to be...and for a few days, maybe weeks, my ego would take a break, it would allow my light to shine again. Slowly but surely, the ego would get hungry, and we would be right back into that vicious cycle of expectation and fear. I projected so much on to her that she started to act differently towards me, and I could see her ego start to bury her light...vicious isn't it...like an extremely contagious disease.
It has taken many months of intense arguments. It has taken many moons of blame and finger pointing. It has taken threats and many hurtful words, for me to finally see what it is that I need to do, what I needed to do from the first day that I started to notice the burying of my light...I need to face it, it being myself..I never faced myself. I have made myself into a victim so that I have an excuse not to face myself. I finally understand the mirror and the purpose of the mirror in the spiritual world, back to self reflection.
I understand what my demons are; they are not demons at all, they are blessings, they are shadows only because I have cast them away into the darkness. Once I face myself, and bring the dirt into the light, the light will allow the dirt to flourish into a garden of love. I need to use the dirt as fertilizer, I need to water it and allow it to become part of the light. That is what I was doing wrong, and that is why my ego was taking over, I fed it what it needed the most....FEAR!! I will no longer feed it the fear that it strives and grows off of. My work now is on myself, on loving myself again, on paying attenton to my own needs again, so that I can give myself, my love, genuinely and totally to my soul mate, my twin flame, my love of all loves....and it will be a constant work, but I will no longer project, I will remember what I learned before I came into union with my Goddess. I will once again give, without expectation, I will love without needing it back…I will finally allow my light to outshine, piercing through any darkness...
Let me meditate, let me be….
PS. I used to love this song, kind of fitting, just popped in my head while writing this...enjoy :)